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| I'm watching you.
Closely from afar.
The distance does make the bleeding heart grow fonder.
It makes the heart weak and wanting. I wish the solutions were in front of me.
They seem to be so far away and convoluted.
I'll keep watching.
Seeing you grow.
Waiting for the clouds to dissipate.
Waiting for the closeness that will enable a touch and a smell.
A hug and a kiss.
I miss you.
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I'm so fucking excited!!! I really could and should pee my pants. I'm getting my Braces OFF! This is going to be great! I can't wait to look in the mirror and smile after they come off. One more week of these damn things and then I get to look forward to wearing a retainer for 6 months 24 hours a day!!!
This is going to be a challenge but I'm ready for it the same way I was ready for the Braces.
I've shared my good news!!
Jen
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| I've got some pretty high hopes for how I want the next few months to go and it all starts in May. I have so much to look forward to. May is going to be a busy month. I should be getting my Braces off in May. I've had them for a ear and a half now. I'm really excited to smile without the faults in my mouth that I've had for so long.
I'm also planning to get my license back this month. It's been nearly 10 years since I have driven legally. That's a long time. Somehow, every time I pay the re-instatement fees, They find a way to suspend my license again. The state of Ohio has milked me for more than $2500.00 on this issue already. Assholes.
After that is complete, I plan to buy my own home. My friend Christina is moving to Florida and has offered to sell her three bedroom house to us. We should have the money for a down payment and hopefully be able to work out something for land contract. It's a really nice house. It needs some TLC. Like new carpet and the walls need painted but I think I would end up putting new carpet in and painting the walls even if it didn't need it so I could pick the colors I want. It works out really well since because as we're getting settled into the new (bigger) house we should be well on our way to the most important part of May....
Kiersten and Jillian!!!!!
I'm going to finally have enough money to obtain legal counsel (gets me a lawyer) and go to court for custody of my daughters. I can't wait to see the girls again. It's been almost 4 years now since the last time I was graced with the presence of their beautiful faces. I can't wait to hear them speak just to hear their voices. I want to listen to their stories. I want to eat dinner with them and go shopping. I want to know what size shoes they wear and what kind of clothes they like best. What their favorite colors are whether or not they have ever had a boyfriend. Geez...there's so many little things! I can't wait to find out.
It's going to be a Beautiful Month that can only lead to a Beautiful Year and so on! I can't wait! I wish my excitement could be felt by others so that all of your hearts could flutter like mine!
With that said, I'm off!!
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| so here's my dream.
There's all this food and my mom is cleaning like a mad lady. She's been washing dishes all morning. I'm talking to my friend Candace on the phone. Laughing and having a great time. I walk through my dinning room and there's this old dude that's separating all the baked goods and putting them in disposable dishes so they can get the pie and cake dishes clean. He tells me "There's all this really good food here, you should try to eat something." He looks at me like I should be sad about something.
So I look and there is a lot of food. I tell him I'll be right back I'm going to get a box. I'm not hungry but I see something I want to save for later. So I go to the kitchen and moms washing dishes still. I tell her I'm looking for a box. I open the fridge and there's a white styrofoam box from BW3's in there. I'm like Oh sweet this is perfect. Before I turn around to dump the food out and wash it, the white box becomes two hot dogs trays from speedway on top of each other to create a box. It's not sealed and there's water inside. I slide the top tray to the side so I can see what's in it and a Snake jumps out into my face.
Naturally, I scream and throw the box, the snake, and the water into the air. It goes flying under my head and I'm on my knees. I feel the snake hit my feet behind me so I slam my feet together in an attempt to hold but it was too slimey and gross so I let go. My family starts freaking out. So I chase the snake into the kitchen and corner it in front of the stove. I grab it as quickly as possible as my mom pulls the oven door open and I throw it in. It almost got away again and mom slammed the door shut!
We turned the oven on and we were going to watch it burn. All of sudden these bugs come out from the bottom of the stove. Weird bugs likes rolly pollies and they climb to rack in the center of the oven. Then they mate up in pairs and a they have miniature turtle heads and rolly polly bodies. The one turtle sticks his head inside the other turtles mouth and they hang from the oven rack by their necks with their bodies hanging down. I watched this for a little while and spoke with my mom about how weird it was. We both laughed. We were relieved the snake was dead but baffled by the weird bugs.
I can see the snake is dead. All crispy and burnt up stuck to the rack. So I take a pair of tongs and decide I'm going to try to get the weird bugs out. I reach in and try to grab them but you can't get them off because of the way they are hooked together. I start hitting one to try to knock it free and i bust it's jaw sideways. These are little bugs so I don't how this breaking of the jaw was possible without killing the bug but somehow it was and after that I felt bad so I just turned the oven off and let them be.
I was still on the phone with Candace and started to walk away telling her what was going on. No box for the food. I didn't see the old man when I walked back through anyway. I go outside and sit on the steps to smoke a cigarette and there is this fat guy walking up to me.
He says, "hey I don't appreciate your friends talking trash about my friend. She has a show tonight and she doesn't need this stress". I tell the kid I don't know what he's talking about. Obviously I've been busy with the bugs and snakes, right? Well, we get into an argument because he doesn't believe I wasn't part of whatever it was that was going on. So I tell him this is my house and I don't want you here. I was mean in my dream, something like: "take your fat ass down the street."
So I go back inside and he follows me. When i get upstairs I try to talk to the girl that was insulted and she was just as rude. Talking on her cell phone. Being a Bitch. So, I take her phone and throw it outside. I tell her "you're phones outside" with a nasty take that kind of look on my face. Now, she has to go get her phone. She has to leave. So the fat guy and the girl and another chic get up and leave.
As I'm ushering them out the door my friend Selly is like OMG! What happened, I tell her and then she asked about the snake and I'm like it's dead. She hates bugs so she's really animated jumping and squirming around and making sour faces at the thought of touching one.
I glance into my living room and see there are these Indian kids sitting there. There look like twins. I ask Selly if they are with her. She tells me yes, that they're are going to study Spanish. So I close the door behind me. I start walking through the house. I'm finished kicking people out catching bugs. I don't know where the old guy went or who he was. I can't remember getting off the phone but I'm not talking anymore and I have a bunch of Spanish students in my living room. My mom is still washing dishes. I'm confused about why are these people were there to begin with.
I wake up.
I have no idea what to think of this dream.
Any opinions?
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| I honestly can't figure out why everything has to be so hard.
Why can't one day just be a day.
Nothing bad happen.
No anxiety.
I woke up early today. Well right on time really. Every other morning I am waking up later than I'd like to and barely making it to work on time. Today, I was on time.
I took a shower. Fed the cats. Changed their water. Grabbed the laundry. Drank some coffee. Hell, I even checked my email. I woke Quentin up and then got Calvin Dressed. Off to work and actually got here about 10 minutes early. Long but very smooth morning. Unusual.
After getting to work, sitting here in this crappy lite at my desk, I start feeling really sick. Nausea sucks. I was contemplating going home since I still have LOA available to me. I checked the papers and it says I am supposed to be here today. They messed my paperwork up. I'm not actually suppposed to be required to come back to work until next Tuesday. Good thing I'm broke and I decided to come to work today. Otherwise, I'd be getting in trouble for sitting at home even though I'm supposed to have the day off.
About half way through my lunch is when the Nausea got really bad. I mean, damn! My vision was blurry and I had to fight off the vomit. I feel like shit!
I have already volunteered to work Over Time tonight at the beginning of the morning. (when I still felt ok) I really need the money. I payed the rent from my last paycheck and that always puts a damper on everything else. I payed some hospital bills and I bought a few things from the grocery store. Well, there goes the paycheck. I'm so sick of being broke I can't stand it.
So Now, I'm coming back to work tonight and volunteering for Over Time for Monday too. We have 3 hours of mandatory to complete but I'm going to do 5--maybe 8. Depends on how I feel that day. I might need to get a second job just to buy food.
It's hard to make it on your own. I need a raise.
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